Let It All Out

And you said, "I know that this will hurt,
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember,
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

I'm still in love with him. Even though he's an idiot, even though I'm not attracted to him, even though I don't want a relationship, if he were to offer me that relationship, I wouldn't say no. At least, I wouldn't say no yet.

It hurts breaking my heart every few days when I realize I'm not over him. Or when my friends hold an intervention to say that he's using me and I have to get over him, that I don't really know him. I can't be bitter and jaded any longer. He is human, he can have his ego, he can have his sins and flaws. But he isn't malicious, I can't yet believe that he was using me.

I was using him.

My friends say I can do "so much better." Do they really mean it, or is it just empty words they throw around? They even sound cliche. I know he's stupid, I know he's not necessarily good for me, and I know that I poured out myself in helping him with everything he came to me with, but he was interested. I don't feel like I can do much better than that... One of my biggest fears in life is being eternally single, and the more I fear it, the more I am convinced it will come true.

Regardless of my issues, I just need to get over him. I am sick of how my life has been focused either on myself or on him. My life is supposed to have purpose beyond me, and here I am, wallowing in the emotions of the flesh instead of marveling at my Love. It's Christmas, I'm supposed to be specifically aware of the glory and love of my Savior.

The more I live I see, this life's not about me.

Or maybe this all reminds me of the brokenness and inadequacy of humanity, the necessity for a God who is all powerful, who enters our world and picks up the broken pieces, who is good.