It was hard enough to lose him when it was for Him, for Everything, for Love and Life itself.
But it was okay, because of Who it was for, because the loss of a boy promised me the ability to keep Him.
I was fine with it. We were friends again. I was over the infatuation and I learned that he really respected me, that he thought of me as a really close friend. And I was happy with being friends. I was full of joy that he was trying to live for Him, that he was really genuinely trying. It wasn't even a fake happiness, it was genuine contentedness and joy.
But learning that I was losing him now, not to Someone worth it, but to a girl from Cal? It broke my heart. I was jealous and it hurt and I shouldn't have been any of this.
I cried harder than I've ever cried before. I was in more pain that I had ever been in before. I was so brokenhearted; losing him for Jesus was one thing, but losing him to another girl hurt.
What, I'm not good enough? Am I not cool enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough? Is it because I can't dance as well as you, I don't know all the words to rap songs, or because I hate Myspace? Is it because I'm too indecisive or too weird or too unattractive or too unlike you? We're not really that different, you know? We've both got our egos to feed, we both struggle with similar things. Maybe I don't worship you as a football god, but that's because I know you, not the football player, but you.
It sucks to be the undesired one.
Awe, love I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches along with you.
You're beautiful.
You're brilliant.
You're HIS creation.
No boy can tell you otherwise.
I know your heart hurts, and the tears are painful.
A boy can make you fret, and the fretting that the situation caused you, spoke to your heart. You deserve better, you deserve someone who will love you as much as HE loves you.
<3 we need to talk on aim.
iloveyou
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW. I promise...it'll pass. And when it does, you'll see all the amazing things God did through it...like the world after a good hard rain (as cheesy as that cliche is, it's also EXTREMELY true).
ReplyDeleteAnd then...oh Jen...when you ARE the desired one, it will make it THAT MUCH MORE meaningful, because you know what it's like to not be.
Praying for you darling. And no, I've never studied meter. Any blogoems (blog poems) are a result of having read my friends' writing and being influenced by it.
Love you.