Every night doing devotionals I work up my reserve. I realize and remember that I love God more than any situation or person or thought on this earth. That if any relationship were to arise, it would have to be God first, entirely, totally, and the boy would have to feel the same way. He'd have to love Jesus more than he could ever love me. I fall in love with God all over again every night.
And then I get to midday and I'm staring straight into the eyes of this situation, this boy, and it's not that my convictions flutter away, it's not that I throw my morals out the window, or that I even love him more that my God. It's just that I find myself wanting to fulfill my own will as opposed to God's will. I can't bring myself to consider him as just a test to my faith. He has to be so much more, right?
My pride is eating me alive.
OH MY WORD. BRILLIANT POST.
ReplyDelete"My pride is eating me alive." BRILLIANT LINE.
AND, that's exactly it...every time I consider - cause yeah, I consider - something else then God...something "not-God" it's totally pride. And God so rarely brings it up...he is good. But when he does give me that little nudge I think, "What disgusting arrogance" and am appalled.
Oh, but saying I consider things other than God, I mean choosing not-God. It can be something as simple as choosing to go to sleep without reading my Bible for days on end, or it can be something as serious as thinking about walking away from him completely for the sake of Self, or a dude, or because of the pressure the world puts on me to not believe...when I say consider choosing not-God I mean choosing the opposite, choosing Self instead of God.
ReplyDeleteDoes that clarify?