Even When I Don't Believe

Then I realized how bitter I had become,
how pained I had been by all I had seen.
I was so foolish and ignorant--
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
You are holding my right hand.
You will keep on guiding me with your counsel,
Leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.

Psalm 73:21-25

Today was a bitter day. Josh and I headed into LNT in a pretty great mood, having just listened to Jason Mraz as we drove over, expecting to have an amazing seven hour shift, as well as lunch over at Panda Express, and then probably hanging out after I drove him home. Instead, within fifteen minutes, he was laid off. I mean, he and I were talking and all the sudden he was just gone. And then I saw him talking to Mike, walking back to the office, and I just knew.

And I got really bitter. Bitter that so many people got laid off--Josh, Darquisha, Cynthia, Marlene, Aja, the list continues--and that I still have a job. I felt so guilty for having a guaranteed ten hours while they have none. Bitter that Josh is now stressed because of not having enough money for Hume. Bitter that I would be bored at work from now on. Bitter that I wouldn't have this opportunity to bond with Josh anymore. Bitter, bitter, bitter.

And it didn't help when the managers told us we couldn't take lunch together because we were understaffed. The sardonic irony wavered in the air, and after being forced to take a lunch break, I walked out to my car, locked myself in, blasted my ipod, and cried. I called Melissa and babbled into her voicemail. I cried out to God. I let the tears pour out of my eyes, hoping the bitterness would leave.

And then I listened.

And of course, He spoke.

Your will above all else.

Your light will shine when all else fades.

Your love always comes through, even when I don't believe.

I don't understand why Josh had to be laid off. I don't understand why I'm still there when I feel like there's so much more I could be doing with my time, when it's such a dark atmosphere and no one is ever genuinely cheerful. I don't understand why I even go in some days--just to feed a capitalist system of greed over need. I don't understand how God could use me at Linens N Things of all places.

But I realized that I don't have to understand. I get things backwards a lot--like tennis. And if this is where God has placed me, then I'll go. I'll do my best to not break down and not be bitter and to show people that there is life beyond the American Dream of being able to afford the Portofino Superset.

But I know I can't do it of myself.