Growing Up

I'm not an adult.
And I'm not grown up.

I realized tonight, though, that I am growing up. Probably more than before. More than a year ago. More than over the summer.

I am growing up. I am discovering who I am, what I like and dislike. What I want to do for the rest of my life, because apparently that has changed over the past three weeks. And more importantly, my conception of what God wants to do in my life, being careful to know Him and not to impose my desires onto Him. I'm finding out what matters to me, what matters to Christ, and how they need to work hand in hand. I'm learning how to have joy in the midst of pain, learning to be content when the world tells me to desire, and learning to desire things that are truly desirable. I am learning to search for truth. I am finding out what things are worth pursuing and worth appreciating and figuring out how to live. How to live abundantly, how to love, how to honor Yahweh in all things.

And it's all happening at once.

A friend tonight told me that I'm careful in my decisions. I guess I am. And I know it's a good quality, but there are times when I'm sick of being careful, when I just want to screw caution and throw patience to the wind, to risk breaking my heart, knowing full well what I'm risking. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to wait. I don't want to not be in control. Even if I risk heartbreak, at least I'm in control a little.

And I realize that my life all comes back to that. My issues all seem to come back to that. I like to be in control. I don't like God being in control because then I'm not in control.

And so I realize even more greatly that I am not grown up, but still growing up. I'm not mature, I'm not an adult. Being 18, being legal, that means nothing. I need to grow to be content with being patient, to know fully that I am not my own, that I was bought with a price. And to live in light of that.