Mysterious and Elusive

So I'm reading this book Dateable. Kind of. I've been "reading" it since February. I read a section every few weeks, then set it back on my deskside table and go back to The Horse and His Boy or "Measure for Measure" or whatever lit book I'm on at the time. Normally it's an okay book, talking about teenage dating from a Christian perspective. Physical boundaries. It won't last. The usual, the cliche.

Sometimes it's out there, like limiting all phone conversations with any teen male to half an hour. Always. Yeah, not going to happen.

Tonight it said some interesting stuff. It talked about how a girl needs to be pursued, not to do the pursuing. Which I agree with. And thought I agreed with. Until I looked at how I dealt with the last boy. Yeah, it started off with me asking him to Sadies. That is the prime example of being pursued, right? Of letting him be the man. Of being mysterious and elusive.

Hahahaha. Dang, I didn't realize how badly my actions match up with my intentions sometimes.

But it continuned tonight, about how you, as the female, have to be pursued because it's the man's role to be the pursuer. And it fit hand in hand with what Andrew Lehnquist was talking about on Sunday--the man's role in, well, life. Then it talked about not looking easy because of how you dress. And that was the part that got me. Not that I prance around in plunging necklines and miniskirts often. Or ever. But I realized that I am emotionally easy. I fall really quickly and change my entire evening's plans at the drop of a hat so we can go to the library for an hour to work on an assignment that isn't due for another week, and then re-rearrange my plans when he has to change it up.

Not that this is to any specific boy. Nah, it's every teenage male, pretty much. If they want to spend time with me, I will find a way to make it work. Because I am that emotionally easy.

I kind of tried to argue with myself for the valor of emotional easiness. That, hey, I'm open and don't have a problem being myself. I change my plans and go hang out because I'm friendly and compassionate and don't want to just leave the him out to dry.

But I wouldn't do most of this even for many of my closest girl friends. Actually, the higher they get up on my bfffl scale, the less likely I am to drop everything for them. Because they'll understand that, no, I have other things. And I understand that they won't get butthurt.

I think I'm convinced that males care about me a lot more than they really do. That they hinge on the fact that I either can or cannot go somewhere with them. Because I always have to be the center of attention.

And that's another thing. My pride doesn't like me being elusive. I tend to think that the more someone (anyone, male, female, whatev) knows about me, the quicker, the more they'll love me. I leave no room for a friendship of growth and getting to know each other if I just vomit out fact sheets of jennifer loeser.

And so, I guess, I need to be more elusive. Mysterious. Sought after and pursuable, not pursuing. I need to stop prostituting my emotions. Leave room for the ambiguous him to be a male and do male thigns.

I feel like I really need to understand this before I get to Biola. I seem to be convinced I'm going to fall head over heels the moment I walk on campus.