All I Have

You know those moods?

The ones where you feel eight thousand conflicting things at once?

The one where you really want a boyfriend, or you feel inadequate in this world of superstars, or you want to be good at just one thing, or you feel like you're not making a difference, or you feel like you don't know where you're supposed to be or go or do. But at the same time, you feel guilty for feeling all of this.

Yeah, that's me right now. And I think I blame Bryce Avary.

I saw him Thursday night and loved it. He had a great setlist and poured himself into what he was doing. The supporting bands were even pretty great.

But I got to thinking of how I'd like a boy like Bryce, one who's open and raw with the public, be it through lyrics or whatever other medium, of life and faith and pains and hope. The fact that he's musically inclined doesn't' hurt, and his squeaky little boy voice is just plain cute. I envy his hair and his inspiration.

But I'm not even attracted to him. I mean, good thing, he's 8 years older than me and the extent of our conversing has lasted about 2 minutes. And he's married.

But I just feel like I can't do anything right. I can't play music to save my life (trust me, I've tried). I lost to the easiest school at tennis. My hair isn't as cool as Bryce's, and he's a boy. I can't even keep many friends close for more than a few months at a time, aside from a select few, who, for some unknown reason, seem to like me. The boys I'd consider for a relationship never think the same of me, and the ones who want me are ones who it wouldn't work with.

I feel like I've been created to create. I make things. I don't know things, I make them.

But I have no idea what I was created to do. What am I here for? What college should I go to? What major should I pick? I know it's a good thing that I don't have my own expectations, so that He can more easily mold me, but it's frustrating not knowing what's He's molding me to be.


I know in my head that this is a reminder of God's timing, my inadequacy, and my worth in Him alone, but I'm just not feeling it, you know?

All I have is all of me, and it's all that I can give.

But I don't know how to give it.