I was really convicted by a passage we talked about in the college group on Sunday (which I, of course, can't find now), about how followers of Christ are now saints who sin. But so often we look upon ourselves as sinners who are also saints. Not saints. It would be too bold. But we were given a spirit of power, love, and sound reasoning, not of timidity! We are to be bold, we are to be saints.
I realized I'm not any more sleep deprived than the person next to me.
I realized I'm not behind in homework. I just always feel behind if I'm not ahead. And after today, I'm back to being ahead.
I realized that I might not be Christine's go to girl, but it's better that way. If things are repairing with her other friends, that's just more outlets in which she can see Christ. It's not like I'm the one who could patch her heart, anyways.
But I guess I just realized that I'm not the same depressed, bitter, jaded person that I was at 16. Even now sixteen just sounds cliche. After my two hour binge back into self-depreciating mode today, I was done with that. I went back to what I'm supposed to be doing right now. A chapter of Psych, two days worth of math, talking to friends about life. This is why I'm in college right now. Yeah hanging out with friends seems super fulfilling at the time, and it is, but right now I'm equipping myself for the rest of my life.
But I don't need a soul.
No I don't need a soul to hold.
Without you I'm still whole.
You and life remain beautiful.
I think I'm in the process of finding a good balance. A balance of some serious focus on homework, some (still not serious enough) focus on God, and some time to relax and chill with friends. I have my four year long purpose now. And I'll appreciate the other aspects of my life and see them as beautiful (even if Dr. Reynolds has us questioning what beauty even is), but they are not my fulfillment. My fulfillment is Christ. My worth is Christ. My everything is Christ.
Blood and spit and green tea...gross. I may never drink green tea again.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking, also, more about your previous post. You said something about wanting to be important or not wanting to be forgotten or something like that. And even if you took a year away never talking to anyone, people would still want the unique you. At 27 there are time I still just want to talk to someone I haven't seen in five years, because of what they brought to my life at one point.
People who want to go back to high school baffle me. I agree with you about 16.
You're finding a good balance you say...when you find it, please tell me how to hang on to it, cause I still haven't figured that one out yet.