Life

It has been a busy week. School, 200 miles, laundry, Dante, caring for Christine, caring for Stefanie, caring for Michael, trying to fix it all, trying to ignore the fact that I'm broken.

I haven't gotten enough sleep.

I rely far too heavily on things that I shouldn't rely on.

I cannot balance my budget all the sudden, whereas I was perfectly fine a month ago.

I don't spend enough time on school.

I don't spend enough time with God.

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

I even feel like this post is disconnected and boring. I've started too many sentences with I. Does it reflect my egocentricism? That's a word, check the psych book.

I want to just stop, slow down, drive for a while and cry and journal and talk to God and figure out what is going on with everything. But I feel like if I were to leave, the world would fall apart. First I would get behind on homework. Then friends would have no one to vent to, no one to pick them up when they're down. No one to drive them places. The unanswered texts would break his heart, but not as much as I'd want them to.

And after a while, though, about a week, I think, I'd be forgotten. Not that I wouldn't be remembered, but that I wouldn't be important any longer. And that's the part I don't like.

I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be important. I want to be the one holding the world together, but I'd like that to be easy, please. I want to be the one my friends call when they're freaking out or when they're sick or when they're sad or when they're joyful or when they're just breathing.

I've a feeling my whole outlook is wrong.